it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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