By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
