I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
