I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
