her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
