Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The uberlube is also flammable
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
