My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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