you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
