Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
