My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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