Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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