I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
if only i could text you this smell
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
