You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
