I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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