You're my little dorito
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
