If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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