he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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