My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
