Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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