FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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