I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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