I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
