She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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