dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
