It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
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