Duck Duck Cougar?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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