There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
