Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
