nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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