he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
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