You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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