Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
