My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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