I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
