I'm really into asian looking animals
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
