Pants 0. Shit 1.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
