"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
