bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
