I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
