Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
