I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
