I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
