Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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