How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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