you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
