Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
