Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
