I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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