I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
