i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
