FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Success! We fucked roommates!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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