I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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