I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
